i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
