I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
operation harelip BJ is a go
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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