jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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