Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
