why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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