Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
