You took a bar mat shot.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
