I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
