I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
