I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
