The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
