You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
