Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
