My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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