hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
