Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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