im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
