just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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