I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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