Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
