She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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