YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
