could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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