Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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