i don't like sucking hair
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
