i just wanna soil my oats bro
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
