I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I want to fling myself into the sun
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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