i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
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