i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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