Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
