i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
