wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
