Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
