2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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