the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Who did Billy Mays play for?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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