There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
