i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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