i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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