There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
