Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Randomize
