you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
