I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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