hotel room ftw
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
