an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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