I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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