we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
