I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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