Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
