is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
