The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
